What are some prime examples of gibberish from the bible?
07.06.2025 09:36
God’s name is Wilby. When Moses asked god his name, god answered אֶהְיֶה אֲשֶׁר אֶהְיֶה meaning “I will be whoever I will be.” He then continued, “Tell the people of Israel that WILL BE sent me.” I have shortened this to Wilby, for convenience.
For Christians who claim all this cannibalism was not Yahweh’s doing, the author of Lamentations asked Yahweh why he was being so cruel:
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the rocks. (Psalm 137:9)
When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she is not to leave as the male slaves do. If she is displeasing to her master, who chose her for himself, then he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners because he has acted treacherously toward her. Or if he chooses her for his son, he must deal with her according to the customary treatment of daughters. (Exodus 21:7-9)
Jesus confirms the holiness of Old Testament cannibalism and adds vampirism. That’s why they call it the New Testament, I suppose. The old one wasn’t bizarre enough, evidently.
Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard. (Leviticus 19:27)
It’s okay to beat slaves within an inch of their lives, as long as they don’t die. I AM THE LORD! As long as slaves can get up after a day or two, all is groovy. I AM THE LORD! (Exodus 21:20-21)
Mass-murder women and male children, even the little ones, but keep the virgin girls alive, for yourselves, as sex slaves! I AM THE LORD! (Numbers 31:17)
The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. If women cannot “control” themselves they can marry, but it would be better for them to be celibate. If a woman’s husband rapes or beats her, she should not separate from him. If she does separate, she cannot remarry but must remain celibate or reconcile with her abusive husband. (1 Corinthian 7:1-11)
Why do almost all vertebrates have tails, but not apes and frogs?
That’ll teach him to betray the Messiah!
Forget that silly honoring your parents stuff, Jesus wants you to hate your father and mother, for his sake! (Luke 14:26) And to set a good (or very bad) example, Jesus called his mother “that woman” and refused to see her when she was understandably concerned about his mental state.
Angels are offended by women’s hair, so women should wear burkas and such in church. (1 Corinthians 11:5-10)
The Sanhedrin were forbidden by Jewish law to meet during Passover.
"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother..." (Matthew 10:34-36)
If a girl doesn’t prove her virginity by bleeding sufficiently on her wedding night, stone her to death in front of her father’s house. That’ll teach him to have daughters with functional hymens! But never ask who created hymens. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 22:13-21)
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According to the gospel of Matthew, a long-dead king, Herod the Great, tried to kill the baby Jesus! Herod died ten years before the Roman census that allegedly required Joseph to report to Bethlehem. More on this farce later in this list.
Please note that there is one Leviathan (“him”) with multiple “heads.”
So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes. (Job 2:7-8)
THOSE RANDY PATRIARCHS!
Samson had seven braids woven by a prostitute (Judges 16:13) but christian women must not braid their hair (1 Timothy 2:9, 1 Peter 3:3).
PETA ALERT! The heroic Yahweh duplicates a feat of his archrival storm god Baal by defeating a multi-headed sea monster called Leviathan, then hacking it to pieces like Jason on a rampage. Now it seems a bit unfair for an all-powerful god to murder one of his more unique creations, but gods do need things to brag about, and there was a LOT of biblical bragging about this murder! (Psalm 74:14, Isaiah 51:9, Psalm 89:10, Job 41:1, Isaiah 27:1, Psalm 104:26)
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The biblical god Yahweh made the sun stop circling the earth to give Joshua more time to kill people. Since the sun doesn’t circle the earth, that was an impressive feat! With god’s help the great hero Josuha mass-murdered all the children, babies, unborns and their mothers in six cities: Makkedah, Libnah, Lachish, Gezer, Eglon, Hebron and Debir.
“Hey, don’t start eating my legs until I finish your arms!”
“No one is to come with you or be seen anywhere on the mountain; not even the flocks and herds may graze in front of the mountain.” (Exodus 34:3)
Why do you allow your cat to lie in bed with you?
When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening...Anything she lies on during her period will be unclean, and anything she sits on will be unclean..." (Leviticus 15:19-24)
And not so quick with that “Prince of Peace” thing!
21 And there came forth a spirit, and stood before the Lord, and said, I will persuade him. 22 And the Lord said unto him, Wherewith? And he said, I will go forth, and I will be a lying spirit in the mouth of all his prophets. And he said, Thou shalt persuade him, and prevail also: go forth, and do so. 23 Now therefore, behold, the Lord hath put a lying spirit in the mouth of all these thy prophets, and the Lord hath spoken evil concerning thee. (1 Kings 22:21-23)
The bible would be amusing if so many people didn’t believe its nonsense. And much of that nonsense is evil nonsense…
So much for grace because salvation is all about works and what we eat! Jesus will search your kidneys and if he doesn’t like what he finds in your digestive tract, he will murder your children, rather redundantly, “with death.”
In the final sentence, please note that the “customary treatment” of daughters is that they can be sold as sex slaves. I AM THE LORD!
Isaiah walking bare-assed naked and barefoot for three years as “a sign and portent against Egypt and Cush” didn’t do any good, since Egypt always kicked Israel’s ass, being the much stronger nation, but still Isaiah tried and saved lots of money on laundry bills.
Yahweh was so holy, or so shy, that even animals were forbidden to approach Mt. Sinai:
And it bears noting that the “cherub” has an inkhorn, like a scribe.
Jonah lived in a whale’s gut for three days without oxygen and all the sloshing and churning acid left him unscathed, much less digested. But that was one stinky prophet when he was finally vomited out! And what about the poor traumatized fish, making this another PETA ALERT!
And please keep handicapped people and people with blemishes and defects out of my pristine temple! I AM THE LORD! No hunchbacks, no dwarves, nobody blind or lame! I AM THE LORD!(Leviticus 21:16-23)
For security purposes, the Romans did not allow people to approach crosses during crucifixions, as described in the gospel of John. The other gospels contradict John, saying the women stood “afar” off from the cross and never mention the “beloved disciple” being on the scene. The author of John was clearly trying to give the “beloved disciple” primacy over Peter. Then someone tacked an extra chapter onto John’s gospel, in an attempt to salvage Peter’s reputation and standing!
Did the Holy Ghost become confused, or was John of Patmos making things up and pretending to speak for Jesus?
Yahweh was not a very good wrestler. He failed to defeat Jacob in another wrestling match and had to cheat to elude Jacob’s “camel clutch.” (Genesis 32:22-32)
"If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away...And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." (Matthew 5:29-30)
Cain murdered his brother Abel and committed incest with one of his sisters or nieces.
Noah’s poop deck is a hoot. The fairytale Noah’s ark in Kentucky fails to explain the ark not needing a poop deck because Noah, his family and all the poor animals would have been swimming in a sea of urine full of floating poop!
Women can be murdered as witches, without proof, since it’s impossible to prove that a woman is a witch. Of course women don’t have supernatural powers, but no one bothered to inform Yahweh. (Exodus 22:18)
If two men are fighting and a woman attempting to be a peacemaker accidently touches someone’s privates, have no pity! Cut her hand off! I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)
According to Paul and probably a redactor in 1 Corinthians 15:58: Peter first, followed by the twelve (?), the 500 (?), James (?), all the apostles, then Paul. No location is mentioned.
According to John one of the thieves crucified with Jesus asked to be “remembered” and was saved with a nod of Jesus’s head, but according to the other gospels both thieves verbally abused Jesus and neither was saved.
Zany Zeke, after I have murdered a third of all Israelites with plagues and famines, and murdered a third by the sword, and driven the remaining third from their homes into exile, I will be comforted. This is all to make me feel better. I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 5:3)
I AM THE LORD! — THE HOLE-Y BIBLE’S MOST BIZARRE VERSES
So what was the other sin?
The god who created the universe could do no better than give Moses commandments engraved in primitive stone tablets?
GOSPEL ERRORS ABOUT THE CRUCIFIXION
According to Acts, which was supposedly written by the author of Luke, Jesus spent 40 days in Jerusalem after the resurrection, telling over a hundred followers the secrets of the kingdom of god, yet no one bothered to communicate a single word! We know that’s not possible. Jesus then soared into the clouds like Superman before a Jerusalem crowd with two angels preaching a sermon. The author of Luke obviously didn’t make up this tall tale, so a redactor must have. No other New Testament writer knew anything about this nonsense.
In any case, Galilee wasn't a Roman province at the time so Joseph wouldn’t have been subject to a Roman census or taxation.
It bears noting that the death of Judas was not mentioned in Mark, Luke or John. When the death of Judas was finally mentioned, in one account (Matthew 27:1-10) he committed suicide but in the other (Acts 1:18) he fell and “all his bowels gushed out,” which seems very unlikely. If the death of Judas was made up later, that would explain Paul mentioning the “twelve.”
Menstrual blood bad, very bad! Tarzan not like periods! When a woman has her period, everything she touches, sits on, or lies on becomes “unclean.” (Leviticus 15:19-24)
And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight. (Isiah 20:1-4)
God loves boys more than girls, a constant theme in the bible. God stayed Abraham’s hand from slitting his son Isaac’s throat, but not Jephthah’s hand from murdering his daughter, whom the bible doesn’t even bother to name. Jephthah sacrificed his daughter to Yahweh, who was cool with the grisly murder/barbeque and didn’t try to talk him out of it. Or Yahweh is not a very good communicator, which would be my guess, him being imaginary and all. (Judges 11:30-40)
Adultery.
The bible says David only committed one sin, in the matter of Uriah and Bathsheba. Therefore, according to the bible, it is not a sin to have multiple wives, nor to mass-murder women, which David did when he “smote the land,” nor to mass-murder the handicapped, which David did when he took Jerusalem from the Jebusites, nor to burn people in brick kilns, shades of Hitler!
PETA ALERT! Yahweh sent two she-bears to maul 42 boys for calling a man “baldy.” (2 Kings 2:23-24)
The only conclusion one can possibly reach is that if one author was telling the truth, all the others were lying, and the willingness of six authors and/or redactors to lie so shamelessly casts severe doubt on the entire New Testament. Can a true religion be based on lies?
The biblical Great Flood of Noah and his barmy “ark” is a real hoot. It would have taken a fleet of arks to save all the world’s animals, and the arks would have required advanced temperature and humidity controls for arctic and tropical animals, plus gigantic refrigeration units to keep millions of tons of food edible for a year. And what about fresh air? A wooden ark sealed with pitch would have been a death trap for everyone onboard, making this another PETA ALERT!
Oopsie, still not working, so now take a few hairs and bind them in your skirts! I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 5:3)
At that time the Lord spoke by Isaiah the son of Amoz, saying, “Go, and loose the sackcloth from your waist and take off your sandals from your feet,” and he did so, walking naked and barefoot. Then the Lord said, “As my servant Isaiah has walked naked and barefoot for three years as a sign and a portent against Egypt and Cush, so shall the king of Assyria lead away the Egyptian captives and the Cushite exiles, both the young and the old, naked and barefoot, with buttocks uncovered, the nakedness of Egypt.” (Isaiah 20:2-4)
Will god remain a merciless baby-killer forever?
Therefore in your midst parents will eat their children, and children will eat their parents. I will inflict punishment on you and will scatter all your survivors to the winds. (Ezekiel 5:10)
Yahweh objected to children being sacrificed. Bravo! Yahweh’s solution? “Murder them all, to the last little one!”
And be sure to cook your food with human dung! I AM THE LORD!
And Isaac said unto his son, “How is it that thou hast found it [venison] so quickly, my son?” And he said, “Because the Lord thy God brought it to me.” (Genesis 27:20)
No Roman census ever required men to report to their ancestral homes. Roman censuses always counted and taxed the heads of households where they lived.
With their own hands compassionate women have cooked their own children, who became their food when my people were destroyed. (Lamentations 4:10)
Ezekiel boldly predicted that Nebuchadnezzar would sack and destroy Tyre, which would never be rebuilt. (Ezekiel 26:1-21) Ezekiel went on for three chapters about all the terrible punishments the “Sovereign Lord” would inflict on Tyre. (Ezekiel chapters 26-29) But Zany Zeke later admitted that his prophecy had failed utterly, on the pages of the Bible (Ezekiel 29:18), then immediately predicted that his hero Nebuchadnezzar would sack Egypt and leave it an uninhabited wasteland for 40 years. (Ezekiel 29:9-13). Once again Ezekiel went on and on about all the terrible punishments the “Sovereign Lord” would inflict on Egypt, this time for five chapters. (Ezekiel chapters 29-33) That prophecy also failed miserably. The Bible itself confirms that Ezekiel’s prophecies about Tyre were false, since both Jesus and Paul visited Tyre according to the New Testament. Egypt has never been an uninhabited wasteland for even a second in recorded history, much less at the hands of Nebuchadnezzar.
God sends evil spirits:
Yahweh murders 70,000 innocent people over a census he commanded King David to take (2 Samuel 24:1-17). The writer of the same account in 1 Chronicles was so appalled, he changed his version to say Satan induced David to take the census. (1 Chronicles 21:1-17)
The Prince of Peace vows to personally murder christian children for their mother’s sins, with one of those “sins” being the St. Paul-approved eating of foods offered to idols!
According to the bible, monotheism began with Abraham, who was incestously married to his sister, Sarah. It was Sarah’s brainstorm that Abraham marry and impregnate her slave, Hagar. In the meantime, from time to time Abraham pimped Sarah to kings, getting lots of loot in return. The ever-charming Abraham was ready to slit one son’s throat and booted his other son into the desert along with his mother. And yet Yahweh absolutely adored Abraham and Sarah, to the extent of visiting them on earth, having dinner with them, promising Sarah that she would have a child in her old age (a promise Sarah laughed at and ignored), and promising Canaan to Abraham despite the fact that it was inhabited and would require genocide to conquer. All in a day’s work for Yahweh!
An all-powerful god tries to murder Moses at an inn (?) but doesn’t succeed. (Once again, not infallible.) Moses’s wife Zipporah zips off their son’s foreskin and saves her hubby’s life with an accurate foreskin toss, the first touchdown, pigskin being non-kosher. Yahweh is really into human foreskins, admires the throw, and repents of murdering Moses! (Exodus 4:24-26)
Judas Iscariot died twice: once by suicide (Matthew 27:1-10) and once by falling and having “all his bowels gush out.” (Acts 1:18)
The Romans had no custom of releasing a prisoner at Passover.
Yahweh did have the power, however, to force the Philistines to include five golden images of hemorrhoids when they returned the Ark of the Covenant to the Israelites. Apparently the Philistines didn’t have iron chariots. (1 Samuel chapters 5-6).
Zany Zeke ups the ante with more biblical cannibalism. This time children also eat their parents:
For the LORD will pass through to smite the Egyptians; and when he seeth the blood upon the lintel, and on the two side posts, the LORD will pass over the door, and will not suffer the destroyer to come in unto your houses to smite you. (Exodus 12:23)
Jesus is NOT the Prince of Peace, so don’t be fooled by Christian hyperbole:
Yahweh is such a racist he murders 24,000 people over a single Midianite visitor:
And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie. (2 Thessalonians 2:11)
“Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live.” (Exodus 33:20)
They will fall by the sword, Their little ones will be dashed in pieces, and their pregnant women will be ripped open. (Hosea 13:16)
An all-seeing, all-knowing god needed the Israelites to mark their doorposts and lintels with the blood of innocent lambs so that he would know which houses to pass over while mass-murdering Egyptian children and animals.
#BIBLE #MRBBIBLE #MRBBIZARRE #MRBVERSE #MRBVERSES #MRBPETA #MRBGIBBERISH
God sends lying spirits:
To show how outrageous the lying had become by the end of the first century, the early Church Father Papias of Hierapolis in his Expositions of the Sayings of the Lord (circa 100 AD) said Judas was afflicted by god's wrath and his body became so enormously bloated that he couldn’t pass through a street with buildings on either side. His face became so swollen that a doctor couldn’t locate his eyes using an optical instrument. Judas's genitals became enormously swollen and oozed with pus and worms. Finally, he killed himself on his ill-gotten land by pouring out his innards onto the ground, which then stank so horribly that 70 years later, people still couldn’t pass by without holding their noses. This story was well known among early Christians and shows that just 70 years after Jesus’s alleged death, any lie could be swallowed hook, line and sinker. Or stinker.
Jeremiah, hide your underwear in some rocks that I point out to you. I AM THE LORD! (Jeremiah 13:1-7)
However the not-so-infallible Yahweh was unable to defeat tribes with primitive iron chariots, casting severe doubts on his superpowers.
by Michael R. Burch
Yahweh murders 70 people for looking at his ark. (1 Samuel 6:19)
Someone pretending to be Paul says it’s a shame for a man to have long hair, but of course Paul being a rabbi would have known that men consecrated to god like Samson and Samuel never cut their hair. In fact, Paul took a Nazarite vow himself, according to the Bible. Thus we have clear evidence that the New Testament texts were being edited by charlatans. (1 Corinthians 11:14-15)
The Creator of the Universe doesn’t know that orchid seeds are smaller than mustard seeds, that ravens do plan and store, or that god lets zillions of sparrow fall.
PETA ALERT! If someone dies mysteriously, behead a heifer. This will make me happy, no one knows why. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 21:1-9)
Jacob not only deceived his blind father, but he accused god of being an accomplice in his crime! And yet Yahweh allowed Esau’s birthright to be stolen by deception, actually making him an accomplice after all!
According to the original version of the oldest gospel, Mark, no one saw or spoke to Jesus after the alleged resurrection. As a matter of fact, Mark blamed the women, saying they did not tell the male disciples about the empty tomb and the need to meet Jesus in Galilee. Papias said "Mark made sure not to omit anything he heard" and a physical meeting with the resurrected Jesus would have been the most important thing of all. Thus we can conclude that around 70-75 AD there was no Christian belief in a physical resurrection in which any disciple saw or spoke to Jesus in the flesh. And the earliest extant written account of the resurrection, Paul’s, was of a vision not a physical meeting.
More on this mystery, which I solve later in HOW MANY PEOPLE SAW JESUS AFTER THE RESURRECTION?
The talking bush that spoke to Moses and claimed to be “god.”
If they just belong to another religion and don’t witness to you, you must still stone them to death, but you don’t have to kill their cattle. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 17:5)
Biblical cannibalism is not limited to mothers eating their children because they will also eat their own afterbirth! Is this a book children should be reading? (Deuteronomy 28:53-57)
If a married woman is raped, stone her to death. That will teach her not to get raped. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 22:22)
The bible has three different accounts of how Saul became king and two different accounts of how David became king. When in doubt, don’t edit, include everything!
Yahweh is not satisfied with only murdering Job’s children, slaves and livestock, so he allows Satan to inflict poor Job with boils. With friends like Yahweh, we don’t need enemies!
And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins [kidneys] and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works. (Revelation 2:23)
Zany Zeke agrees: Do not come near a “menstruous woman”! (Ezekiel 18:6)
Lot committed incest with both his daughters, got them both pregnant, and also offered them to a crowd of rapists when they were virgins.
According to Luke: two disciples saw Jesus on the road to Emmaus, then Peter, then the eleven, with all the appearances in Jerusalem. Luke has the first ascension but says Jesus departed earth from Bethany on the same day as the alleged resurrection, no one went to Galilee, and the women did not see Jesus. Of course if there really was an ascension it would have been the most marvelous thing ever witnessed by human eyes, and no one could forget where it happened, so all the books would mention it and agree on the location, but two don’t mention it at all and the three books that do all disagree on the location, who was there, and what transpired.
Trees growing before the sun and stars were created is quite amusing. (Genesis 1:12)
Noah’s children and grandchildren committed incest, thanks to Yahweh.
The Romans did not crucify thieves.
The dead can be baptized. Betcha haven’t heard your priest or pastor preaching this bizarre verse. (1 Corinthians 15:29)
Fathers can sell their daughters as sex slaves for life, with an option to buy them back if they don’t please their new masters. Or the new master can let his son take over raping his sex slave. I AM THE LORD!
Also no men with problems “down there.” I AM THE LORD! Healthy foreskinless appendages only. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 23:1)
You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters. (Leviticus 26:27-29)
“Thou shalt not kill” … but … “Mass-murder men, women, children, toddlers, infants, babies and unborns. I AM THE LORD!” (Numbers 31:9-18 and numerous other genocidal Bible verses)
Other genocidal bible passages: Numbers 21:2-3; Deuteronomy 20:17; Joshua 6:17, 21; 1 Samuel 15
No historians mentioned major earthquakes or a three-hour eclipse at the time of Jesus's alleged death. Matthew said the earthquake split rocks, and rocks have more structural integrity than first-century houses, so such a violent earthquake would have destroyed Jerusalem!
Mary and the rest of Jesus’s family forget that he was god! Two gospels claim Jesus was “born of a virgin” with angels informing Mary and Joseph about Jesus being the son of god, and further claiming there were all sorts of miraculous signs like the magical Star of Bethlehem, choirs of angels serenading Jesus’s birth, the Magi, etc. The gospel of John says Mary knew Jesus could turn water into wine even before he began his ministry. But Mark 3:21 says Jesus’s family thought he was “out of his mind” to be saying the things he said and tried to stop him. The only explanation is that Jesus’s family forgot that he was god!
A dark, watery earth exists before god begins creating. What happens to water without the sun’s light and warmth? It freezes. The north and south poles get sunlight but have no liquid water, so a sunless earth would be icy, not watery. The bible says trees were growing before the sun and stars were created. There are no trees in the arctic or antarctic regions. (Genesis 1:1-18)
Who did the women and disciples meet at the allegedly empty tomb? One young man sitting inside the tomb with no disciples (Mark 16:5); one earthquake-causing angel sitting on the stone with no disciples (Matthew 28:2); two men standing inside the tomb with no disciples although Peter came later (Luke 24:4); no angels the first time (Mary) or the second time (Peter and the “beloved disciple”), but two angels the third time (Mary). In each case none of the male disciples saw either an angel or Jesus, only Mary Magdalene did in all four cases, suggesting that it was known that she was the first Christian, being the first to believe in the resurrection.
The Holy Ghost murders Ananias and Sapphira because they didn’t give every penny to their church. A dire warning to penny-pinching modern Christians! Amusingly, christians gave up the ghost to the Holy Ghost! (Acts 5:1-11)
Was there one demoniac named Legion at Gadarenes, where 2,000 pigs ran 30 miles into the distant Sea of Galilee where they drowned? (Mark 5:1-13; Luke 8:26-33) Or were there two demoniacs at Gergesenes where the pigs had to cover 37 miles to drown themselves in the Sea of Galilee?
Murdering all the females other than virgin girls means murdering pregnant women, thus the Bible commands mass abortions.
And no yucky menstrual blood! I AM THE LORD! Women should not sit down or lie down when they’re having their periods! Stand up until the horror is over! And no touching anyone and getting them all unclean! Who told women to have periods anyway? I AM THE LORD!
Take a little off the top, but nothing off the sides! I AM THE LORD!
Sinful animals, don’t look at me. I AM THE LORD!
Don’t improve your behavior, just put out your eye and cut off your arm!
Jesus ignores a suffering mother, then calls her a Gentile “dog.” The woman shames the alleged son of god by pointing out, “Even dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master's table.” (Matthew 15:21-28)
Look, LORD, and consider: Whom have you ever treated like this? Should women eat their offspring, the children they have cared for? Should priest and prophet be killed in the sanctuary of the Lord? (Lamentations 2:20)
Blessed are the peacemakers, thus Jesus is unblessed!
What really happened? This is what I believe happened: (1) Jesus died, not by crucifixion. (2) Mary Magdalene, probably Jesus’s wife or lover, had some sort of after-death experience in Galilee, explaining the need to “find Jesus in Galilee.” Such after-death experiences are not unusual and I know people who have had them. This explains why the male chauvinist authors of the New Testament couldn’t write Mary Magdalene out of the resurrection accounts. It was too well-known that she was the first Christian. (3) There was no physical resurrection and the “empty tomb” was initially a metaphor. (4) No disciple ever saw or spoke to Jesus in the flesh, explaining Mark’s original ending. (5) Then the wildfire gossip started and the fully human Jesus quickly became a “god.” (6) Outrageous liars like the authors and/or redactors of Matthew, Luke, John and Acts started weaving in “miracles” performed by far more ancient “saviors” like Horus, Krishna, Dionysus, Romulus and Mithras.
Nature teaches us that it’s a shame for a man to have long hair? Of course nature does no such thing because in the wild men’s hair would be as long as women’s. Moreover, men consecrated to god like Samson and Samuel never cut their hair, so the author of this verse had never read the bible! (1 Corinthians 11:14)
Yahweh commands the prophet Hosea to marry a prostitute and have children with her. Hey, what happened to Yahweh’s commandment to stone adulterers to death? Are we a tad too inconsistent to be infallible, perhaps? (Hosea 1:2-3)
The bible calls Lot “righteous” but he committed incest with his daughters and got them both pregnant. (Genesis 19:30-38)
Joshua “left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord God of Israel commanded.” (Joshua 10:1-43)
Israel’s most god-favored kings, according to the bible, were both polygamists: David and his son Solomon. According to 1 Kings 11:3, the randy Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines!
Abraham committed incest with his sister Sarah, pimped her to kings for tons of loot, and was a slave rapist who abandoned his second wife, Hagar, and his son Ishmael by dumping them in the desert to die.
Forget honoring your father and mother, Jesus wants you to hate them!
Luke says the Roman emperor Augustus decreed that "all the world should be taxed" (Luke 2:1) but that is patently false.
The Holy Ghost failed basic geometry! Pi is a “round” three, pardon the pun. (2 Chronicles 4:2, 1 Kings 7:23))
Biblical roughage, with god commanding Zany Zeke to eat a scroll until it fills his bowels. (Ezekiel 3:1-3)
The allegedly all-powerful Yahweh was unable to defeat tribes with primitive iron chariots. What would he do against Warthogs, tanks, HIMARS and aircraft carriers, one wonders?
For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. (Deuteronomy 10:17)
The Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: “I am about to bring punishment on Amon, god of Thebes, on Pharaoh, on Egypt and her gods and her kings, and on those who rely on Pharaoh. (Jeremiah 46:25)
There are passages in Genesis that Moses could not have written because they describe events that happened after his death, called the postmosaica passages. For example, Genesis 11:28 mentions Ur of the Chaldees and Genesis 14:14 mentions the city of Dan, neither of which existed during Moses’s life. The Chaldeans were an Aramaic-speaking people who lived in the first millennium BC, long after the time of Moses. Dan was an Israelite city and tribal area that did not exist until well after the time of Moses.
Science confirms that human beings originated in South Africa, not the mountains of Turkey where the bible’s “ark” allegedly landed.
GOD’S BBF’S
Belshazzar was never king of Babylon, nor was he the son of Nebuchadnezzar.
No possible proof? Murder them anyway? I AM THE LORD!
God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature. (Romans 1:26)
Jesus says we can avoid hell, not by faith or grace or by being better people, but by gouging out our eyes and cutting off our hands. (Matthew 5:29-30)
However, Yahweh condemned Moses to death by telling him to say his name aloud!
God deludes human beings, perhaps explaining Christian beliefs in the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE and such:
Jesus curses an innocent fig tree for not bearing figs when it wasn’t fig season. (Mark 11:12)
Thou brakest the heads of Leviathan in pieces, and gavest him to be meat to the people inhabiting the wilderness. (Psalm 74:14)
Yes, according to Jeremiah 17:4 because “Ye have kindled a fire in mine anger, which shall burn for ever.”
Jesus is a racist who calls non-Jews “dogs.” (Matthew 15:21-28)
Yahweh is all about mass-murdering “little ones” and mass abortions by murdering pregnant women…
With four alternate tack-on endings to the original shorter gospel of Mark available, why on earth did the editors go with that one. How embarrassing!
Even if a prophet is a true prophet, you should kill him, because the LORD may be testing you by making the prophecy come true! (Deuteronomy 13:5)
God is the “god of gods,” the greatest god, and, hallelujah!, he doesn’t accept bribes!
Jacob/Israel implored his son Joseph, “Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh…” (Genesis 47:29)
In fact, unless we become cannibals and vampires, we have no life in us, per Jesus. (John 6:53-58)
The wisdom of the bible on the subject of the fairer sex:
Zany Zeke, sleep on your left side for 390 days, then on your right side for 40 days. That will fix things! I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 4:4-6)
But even after dying twice, Judas was still alive, because Paul said Jesus appeared to “the twelve.” (1 Corinthians 15:5)
But now that the Levites are really thinking, inedible “unclean” animals can be redeemed via convenient cash payments to—ta-da!—Levites. (Numbers 18:15-16)
And no semen! Semen makes everything unclean! No semen! I AM THE LORD! (Leviticus 15:16-18)
God gives incredibly detailed instructions for magically removing mold from houses, and it’s mold Yahweh installed himself, so he should know! This magical removal-cum-exorcism involves killing an innocent bird, then dipping a live bird in its blood (PETA ALERT!), along with cedar wood, magical scarlet yarn and hyssop. The terrified live bird will then be released, making “atonement” for the evil house. I AM THE LORD! Leviticus (14:33-53)
Women and children are the spoils of war, just like livestock! I AM THE LORD! (2 Samuel 22:9-11)
For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. (John 6:55)
Jacob/Israel, the man who gave his name to the nation, was a polygamist who had four wives, including two slaves. Apparently Yahweh had no problem with the twelve tribes of Israel being sired by a polygamist slaveowner who cheated his elder brother Esau out of his birthright by taking advantage of his father Isaac’s blindness!
Moses writes about his death, his funeral and the 30 days of weeping and wailing that followed. Is this why they call it the Holy Ghost? (Deuteronomy 34:1-9)
And no eating four-legged insects! I AM THE LORD! (Leviticus 11:20-23)
“Anything your savior can do, mine can do better!”
Is it safe to say Paul was not the best marriage counselor?
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Of course this never happened. The Levite scribe who is speaking through “Ezekiel” is trying to explain the destruction of Israel at the hands of a much more powerful nation, Babylon, as “punishment” for Israelites worshiping gods other than Yahweh. We all know that wars are won by the more powerful forces, not via the intervention of “gods.” Israel was never a large nation and it had been reduced to the tiny province of Judea. It was not going to win wars with much larger, more powerful nations.
Jacob/Israel had four wives, two of them slaves.
Amusingly, the bible says that after Yahweh broke the heads (plural) of Leviathan, he fed the people in the wilderness sea-monster barbeque! Now we know the source of manna!
Biblical cannibalism with mothers eating their sons. Yahweh is a very odd god with his fetishes for foreskins, enforced incest and enforced cannibalism. (2 Kings 6:28-29)
The talking snake in the Garden of Eden. BTW, poor Eve was not the first “Lady of the Rib.” That part of the biblical creation account was clearly adapted from the far more ancient Sumerian creation myth of Enki and Ninhursag, in which the goddess Ninti is both the “Lady of the Rib” and the “Lady who gives Life.” That is far too unlikely to be a coincidence!
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:26)
How terrible is menstrual blood? Just to expose it means banishment for the woman and her partner! I AM THE LORD!
PETA ALERT! Yahweh was unhappy with the Israelites, so he brought billions of quail “from the sea” (???) and murdered them all, then dumped them to a depth of two cubits (three feet deep) on an enormous camp of two million people that was a day's journey on either side. Thus around six square miles of land was buried in quail three feet high! But murdering billions of innocent quail wasn’t enough for Yahweh, no siree! The bible says that "While the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the Lord was kindled against the people” and he “smote” them with “a very great plague.” But if he was going to send “a very great plague” and knew this with his alleged perfect foresight, why did Yahweh murder billions of innocent quail? (Exodus 16:13, Numbers 11:31-35)
Of course the real Creator would have known that all girls don’t bleed the first time they have sex. And a decent deity would not value a girl’s hymen over her life. Furthermore, stoning anyone to death, much less a child bride, as most brides were in those days, is beyond inhumane. So these satanic verses were clearly authored by primitive, not a wise, just God.
Ezekiel, whom I call Zany Zeke, says god is against pillows and kerchiefs. No pillows and kerchiefs! I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 13:18-22)
According to Matthew: the two Marys saw Jesus first, in Jerusalem, then the eleven saw him in Galilee, but “some doubted” which seems odd if they were eating with him, touching him, etc. Apparently the physicality of the resurrection was “enhanced” in later accounts. Matthew contradicts Mark by saying the women did tell the disciples about the empty grave and the need to meet Jesus in Galilee. But Matthew cannot be trusted because he made up complete nonsense like the “virgin birth” and ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.
You can witness to other people, but if anyone witnesses to you, even your mother, wife, son, daughter or best friend, stone them to death! I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 13:6-9)
Have you ever wondered why Eve was created from one of Adam’s ribs, when god spoke everything else into existence? Was god running low on superpowers, explaining why he needed a day off? No, it turns out that Eve was plagiarized from the original “Lady of the Rib” who was also the “Lady who gives Life.” Who was she? The ancient Sumerian goddess Ninti.
Trim those pubes, Isaiah! “In that day the Lord will use a razor hired from beyond the Euphrates River—the king of Assyria—to shave your head and private parts, and to cut off your beard also.” I AM THE LORD! (Isaiah 7:20)
The ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE of Matthew never happened and not only wasn’t mentioned outside the bible, it wasn’t mentioned by anyone other writer of the New Testament.
Moses and Aaron turned all Egypt’s water into blood, after which Egyptian magicians “did the same thing” … except there was no water left to turn into blood, and also human magicians can’t turn mighty rivers like the Nile into blood. Maybe a test tube, with a bit of deception. Multitudes of animals died, so yet another PETA ALERT!
Do not have tattoos! I AM THE LORD! No tattoos! (Leviticus 19:26-28)
Baby girls are dirty! If a woman has a baby girl, she will be “unclean” for 66 days and cannot enter a place of worship or touch anything sacred! Clearly, women should have baby boys! I AM THE LORD! (Leviticus 12:1-5)
How bad is menstrual blood? So bad that if a man exposes his wife’s vagina while she’s having her period, they both must be exiled! (Leviticus 20:18)
Thus according to the infallible bible, Yahweh and Satan are the same being!
Heaven was created on the second day of creation, so before then god was homeless!
The meek shall inherit the earth. Are we being a tad contradictory?
by Michael R. Burch
By the way, if you found this verse in the Quran, you would call Islam a false religion. I AM THE LORD! Who is like me in wisdom? I AM THE LORD!
A nineteenth century scholar, Rabbi Wise, searched Pilate's court records for evidence of Jesus's trial and found nothing.
No, according to Micah 7:18, because “He retaineth not his anger for ever, because he delighteth in mercy.”
According to John: Mary Magdalene saw Jesus first, then ten disciples less “doubting” Thomas, then eight days later the full eleven, all in Jerusalem, then seven disciples by the Sea of Galilee on a fishing trip, in what appears to be a “tack-on” ending designed to salvage Peter’s standing with the Catholic Church. John contradicts Luke, who said Jesus never went to Galilee but left earth the same day he was resurrected. No other gospel has any of the eleven missing when Jesus appeared to the assembled disciples.
God punishes other gods:
More biblical cannibalism, but at least mothers aren’t eating their children raw:
But the writers and redactors were too far apart geographically to keep their liest straight. And that is how we ended up with six writers who completely and repeatedly contradicted each other: Paul and the authors/redactors of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Acts.
NO MAN HAS EVER SEEN GOD … EXCEPT 87 PEOPLE DID! Yahweh had to moon Moses to show the genocidal, child-stoning lawgiver his “glory” (or glory-hole). Why the mooning? Because to see god’s glorious face would be instant death! And yet the bible says 87 people saw god face-to-face, including, most amusingly, Moses just nine verses earlier in the same chapter of Exodus!
The king who conquered the neo-Babylonian empire was Cyrus the Great, not Darius the Mede as the book of Daniel claims.
Whoever utters the name of the Lord must be put to death. (Leviticus 24:16)
Adam and Eve’s children committed incest, thanks to Yahweh.
If other people witness to you, don’t just kill them, kill their effin’ heretical cattle too! I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 13:15)
Might we venture that the biblical god was a tad inconsistent, perhaps? Or, more probably, the authors of the bible changed the rules to suit their changing whims. At first, pretending to speak for “god” they insisted genocide was god’s will. (Joshua 6:21 and several other genocidal verses). But later, they changed “god’s word” to say it was groovy to keep virgin girls alive, as sex slaves (Numbers 31:17-18). Perhaps the Israelites were running low on sex slaves when Moses changed the “word of god” … or, more likely, some Levite scribe came up with that bright, ever-so-godly idea a thousand years later.
These are some prime examples of bible gibberish…
One would think the Creator of the Universe would pick up writing in a snap, but it seems Jesus was illiterate. Or if he was able to write, an all-powerful god was unable to make sure his writing survived to be read.
Balaam’s talking ass (donkey).
Satan, who is not a fallen angel cast out of heaven, but one of the Elohim, the seventy sons of the supreme god El, waltzes into heaven, has a chat with Yahweh, then dupes him into murdering Job’s children, slaves and livestock (PETA ALERT!). Yahweh later admits to Satan that he was duped, proving he’s not infallible as Christians claim.
How “nutty” is the bible?
Stone boys to death for being stubborn. All boys are stubborn, so stone them all! I AM THE LORD! What are you waiting for? I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 21:18-21)
Who discovered the allegedly empty tomb? According to John, only Mary Magdalene went to the tomb. According to Matthew another Mary was also there. According to Mark, it was Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome. According to Luke, it was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James and some other women.
More biblical cannibalism with Yahweh forcing parents to eat their sons and daughters:
Judas Iscariot died twice: once by suicide and once by falling and having “all his bowels gush out”!
But the Spirit of the Lord departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the Lord troubled him. (1 Samuel 16:14)
PETA ALERT! No less than 300 innocent foxes have their tails tied together, two by two, by Samson. Then Samson sets their tails on fire and releases them to run through the ripe wheat and other crops of the Philistines. (Judges 15:1-8.)
If Jesus is going to murder all christians who commit adultery, there won’t be many left.
If a girl who is not engaged is raped, let her rapist buy her as a sex slave, so he can rape her “legally” for the rest of her life. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)
The god who created the universe lived in a box made of acacia wood. How embarrassing!
Zany Zeke, the sleeping thing didn’t work out, sorry, so cut off your hair and use balances to divide it into three equal heaps. I AM THE LORD! We are really fixing things now! I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 5:1)
Proving how much Yahweh loves and adores foreskins, David, the man after god’s own heart, was required to give a hundred foreskins for the hand of King Saul’s daughter Michal in marriage. However, David, a true disciple of Yahweh and the man after his genocidal heart, voluntarily upped the ante to 200 foreskins.
God saved Noah due to his alleged “righteousness” but Noah got drunk, was running around naked and engaged in some sort of perversion with his son. Did Yahweh drown trillions of innocent animals for an incestuous wino? PETA ALERT!
Crap, that didn’t work either, so now we’re back to parents eating their children, and vice versa, pardon the pun on “vice.” I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 5:10)
More biblical cannibalism with Yahweh telling the prophet Jeremiah that if he buys and smashes a clay jar (???) the suddenly enabled Yahweh will force parents to eat their children, then make them eat each other, which would be quite a trick! (Jeremiah 19:1-9)
Damn, still not working, so now take the hairs from your skirt and burn them! I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 5:5)
Then an Israelite man brought into the camp a Midianite woman...When Phinehas...saw this, he left the assembly, took a spear in his hand and followed the Israelite into the tent. He drove the spear into both of them...But those who died in the plague numbered 24,000. (Numbers 25:6-9)
Stone rape victims to death. I AM THE LORD! Yes, I know it seems unfair, but never think for yourselves. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 22:23-24)
But what did Yahweh do about all the innocent wild animals and birds? Did they all die for the “sin” of gazing on Mt. Sinai?
There are also amosaica passages that Moses was unlikely to write about himself, such as Numbers 12:3, which says: “Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.”
It seems unlikely that Jesus was crucified because the crucifixion appears to have been unknown to early Christians until the second century AD! None of the early historians or scholars who mentioned what early Christians believed ever mentioned a crucifixion. This includes Josephus, Epictetus, Philo, Pliny, Quintus, Suetonius, Tacitus, and others.
If Jesus was a prophet, he must have known the demons were tricking him into becoming their accomplice in murdering thousands of innocent pigs. What sort of god is tricked into murdering innocent animals by demons?
Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions. (Ezekiel 23:19)
PETA ALERT! Jesus murdered 2,000 innocent pigs to make demons happy. (Mark 5:1-13)
The bible’s ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE easily tops my list. “Many” zombies appeared to “many” people in Jerusalem, but no one outside the author of Matthew thought it worth a single mention.
Noah got drunk, was running around naked, then was involved in some sort of perversion with his son Ham.
Speaking of snakes, I’m a bit confused. According to Christian theology, Satan posed as a serpent and deceived Eve into eating the forbidden fruit. Then Yahweh took the legs away from trillions of innocent snakes and forced them to crawl in the dust. What am I missing here? Someone please contact PETA and help the poor, innocent snakes get their legs back!
Jesus soaring into the clouds like Superman with promises that he would “return the same way” while his disciples were alive. A rather spectacular series of failed prophecies.
The ancient Israelites were really into donkey dongs and stallion semen.
The Lord spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend. (Exodus 33:11)
HOW MANY PEOPLE SAW JESUS AFTER THE RESURRECTION?
"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother..." (Matthew 10:34-36)
SNAKE CHARMER JESUS plugs the evangelization advantages of drinking poison and handling venomous serpents! (Mark 16:17-18)
Did Moses have the worst sense of direction, ever? There is no archeological evidence of two million people wandering the narrow strip of the Sinai Desert for 40 years on what should have been a two-week trek.
This satanic commandment would make rape victims sex slaves for life and allow rich men to create harems of sex slaves by raping girls then paying off their fathers.
PETA ALERT! If a poor farmer can’t afford to redeem a firstborn donkey with a more succulent lamb, just break the damn donkey’s neck. I AM THE LORD! (Exodus 34:19-20)
Zany Zeke claims he heard “god” order “cherubs” to “Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women.” (Ezekiel 9:6)
Yes, I command infanticide, matricide and mass abortions. I AM THE LORD! So be happy as you murder little ones in my holy name!
And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron. (Judges 1:19)
If an engaged girl is raped in a populated area, stone her to death on the assumption that she “asked for it.” Give no thought to the fact that she may not have cried out because her rapist held his hand over her mouth, or a knife to her throat, or she was too shocked and terrified to scream. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 22:23-24)
Someone pretending to be Paul says women are not allowed to pray in church, but elsewhere in his epistles Paul gave instructions for women to pray and prophesy in church and he called Junia foremost among the apostles. More clear evidence of tampering. (1 Corinthians 14:34-35)
“There goes Jesus, raising the dead by the truckload. Ho hum. Let’s not tell anyone. Ho hum.”
If a man lies with a woman during her menstrual period and exposes her nakedness, he has exposed the source of her flow, and she has exposed the source of her blood. Both of them must be cut off from their people. (Leviticus 20:18)
Yahweh murders Onan for not getting his brother’s wife pregnant. (Genesis 38:8-10)
The biblical god Yahweh creates a “firmament” — a solid transparent dome like a snowglobe. This “firmament” separates earth’s seas from a freshwater “sea in the sky” and allows rain to fall when someone opens a window in heaven. This is because the primitive men who authored the bible did’t understand the process of evaporation, condensation and rainfall. According to the bible the sun, moon and stars are tiny lights set in the solid “firmament” like lights in a chandelier. Stars are tiny pinpricks of light that can fall to earth without damaging it, a common biblical theme. This is because Yahweh’s creators confused meteors with stars. Needless to say, thanks to his human creators, Yahweh was not a rocket scientist! (Genesis 1:6-8)
Notice how the number of witnesses keeps changing: from none (Mark), to the ten, to the eleven, to the twelve (was Judas Iscariot still alive in the earliest version of Christianity?), to around a hundred (Acts), to 500 (Paul’s redactor).
The overpraised Holy Ghost is a rapist as well as a murderer, having impregnated Mary without her consent (plus she was probably underage) in addition to having snuffed out Ananias and Sapphira.
“Return good for evil” … but … “Take women and children as the spoils of war. I AM THE LORD!” (Deuteronomy 20:13-14)
The Romans did not allow people to take down corpses from crosses, but left them there to be eaten by scavengers as a warning for no one else to defy Roman rule and Roman laws.